For the Fellas: The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles

There have been approximately 10,000* articles written about how to start conversations on dating apps. You’ve read them, I’ve read them, and by now we’re all just wondering what we should pick up from Whole Foods.

*I have no proof of this

Now onto something that there seems to be a void of: tips for how to build your profile. This post goes with the disclaimer that yes, dating apps are shallow, but in SF in particular they’re a surefire way to meet people, and at the very least have great first date stories. Especially if you’re operating in a post-college dating world of strangers, read on.

I’ve seen plenty of attractive guys with shit profiles, and plenty of charming guys with witty profiles. Guess who gets swiped right on? The clever guys! Boys: we do not want to see a gym selfie. I’m very proud of you, but honestly my next thought is that a dick pic can’t be far behind, and that I want to clothe you and feed you a burger.

  1. If I can’t immediately pick you out in your first few photos, you’re getting passed on.

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Sure, you guys all bro’d out on your last trip to Vegas. However in a sea of popped collars and hair gel, I can’t find you. Additionally, girls’ first thought is that if you’re cool just being part of the pack, you won’t stand out in person, either.

Solution: bring out your basic bitch. This in no way means start taking gym selfies (see above), but it does mean that you either need a tripod or another dude who gets what you’re going through to take a good picture. This means: show us your face, make it clear which one you are, and (bonus) be doing something you actually do in real life. I sincerely doubt you hang out with tigers every day. For instance, if your roommate has a dog, snuggle with the dog. If you’ve ever been outside, go take a picture in Golden Gate Park. I promise you you’ll have a higher rate of return.

  1. Be original.

Yes, this is kind of a dick one. However, if I see one more time that your dream dinner guest is “Me” you’re 100% getting passed over. You don’t need to write the next great American novel (in fact, please don’t), but you do need to put some effort into your profile. Hinge is by far my favorite dating app, and they let you pick your questions and answers. Thus, you can answer semi-honestly that I’m not your favorite dinner guest, but that Ryan Gosling is, because he’s the obvious choice for everyone ever.

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Some quick hits: reference your favorite movie or TV shows, bands, sports teams, spots in the city, whatever. I can guarantee that if you have a good photo of yourself and also throw in that you watch Game of Thrones and Sansa has it coming, you’ll start rolling in the swipes.

  1. (and I’m sad I even have to say this one) No. Ex. Photos.

This should go without saying, but no girl wants to see your ex. Believe me, we will stalk her plenty in our free time, don’t you worry. We don’t need a reminder that you were with someone else before us. Additionally, your half-assed crop job is obvious, we can tell, and we will figure out if we’re hotter than she is.

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  1. No cheesy one liners or dad jokes.

Dad jokes your forte? Mine too. That doesn’t mean they’re my opener, though. If you feel the need to tell your “walks into a bar” joke save it for when you’re actually chatting with the girl. By then she’s interested and you can dad out all you want. When they’re read in-profile, though, they’re lost in translation, and unless your target audience is a 40-something divorcee cougar (more power to you) hold off until you know someone a little better.

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  1. Fill in the blanks.

Like I said, this is not a license to write your life story on your profile (start a blog!) but rather to take the opportunity to share as much as you can about yourself as quickly as you can. Tell us what school you went to, what bars you hang out at, if you prefer Fort Mason or Dolores, whatever! If we think you’re cute but need an opener, it could be something as insignificant as recognizing you went to MOMA that one time. Empty spaces are lost opportunities.

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6.  Under penalty of getting blocked – do NOT lie about your height and/or your post college weight gain.

I’ve been there. You’d love to say you’ve lost those 10 lbs or grown those extra inches but fellas – do not do this. If I got another degree it would be in sussing out when boys are lying about their height. Consider girls yard sticks with shittier posture – you will get found out and you will be passed on.

The general rule here is this: if a girl is 5’5″ or under, she will not care that you’re under 5’10”. I’m going to be brutally honest in this coddled, PC world we live in: if that lady is over 5’5″ and you’re not pushing 6′ there’s a good chance that’s why you never got a message back. It’s shitty and shallow for sure, but the reality is girls like me are not in the mood to bend down to hug our awkward date who we swore was 6′ but came in rocking a solid 5’8″ in cowboy boots (yes this really happened. We live in weird times, folks).

Be honest. This will earn you respect, weed out the shallow tall girls (what up, literally), and leave you confident that your date is there for the right reasons.

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That’s it for now! If I’ve left out anything pressing be sure to hit me up or comment below. Best of luck in all your app adventures and remember: a phone screen will never do you (or your little guy for that matter) full justice.

 

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